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The long dark night of the soul
A couple of weeks ago, I shared on a Sunday morning about my poor mental health earlier this year. I really struggled over the Summer with feeling like a failure in my ministry, and comparing myself negatively to what I perceived that other ministers were achieving. In those circumstances, it’s easy for us to give rational, logical arguments to the person who is struggling from our own external perspective. However, at the time none of that helped, and I struggled for several months through a very low and bleak place. What really did help was the opportunity to have 10 sessions of counselling, fixed up through the Church of Scotland. As a trained counsellor myself, I would urge anyone to take advantage of a talking therapy if you ever find yourself in a place like that. What also helped was the unconditional love of my family and friends who stood by me during that difficult time.
Some of you reading this might find it a bit awkward or uncomfortable to hear about my experience. There’s still an expectation in some quarters that we should maintain a “stiff upper lip” and keep our problems to ourselves. I agree that to some extent, its’s unhelpful for us to over share, and that there is a right time and a right place for us to do that. Maybe rightly or wrongly, I felt far too vulnerable during that period, and it’s only with the healing benefits of time and perspective that I’m now able to share more openly.
I know from various conversations during my time here that some of you also suffer from periods of depression, or anxiety, or poor mental health. As Christians we can sometimes be made to feel that there is something weak or even sinful about this, and that we should really be overflowing with feelings of joy and gladness. If I was allowed to swear on this blog, I know exactly what word I would use to refute that kind of thinking! Feel free to fill in the blank yourself. We can feel as if our poor mental health makes us appear in some way weak or lacking in faith, and so I think it’s important for us to share more openly, especially maybe those of us in positions of leadership. It can be tempting for Church leaders to project an image of strength and confidence, but hopefully it can help you to realise that even those of us who appear to be in a good place are sometimes struggling just as much as anyone else behind the scenes.
To those of you who do suffer in this way, whether occasionally or on a recurring basis, I pray that you find the help and support that you need. And I hope that, even in the darkest of times, you can know that Jesus himself is right there with you. The night before he died, Jesus spoke these words which may resonate for those of you suffering through a dark period: “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me” (Matthew 26:38). To those of you who don’t know the darkness of poor mental health, please take to heart Jesus’ words. Don’t try and rush to what you might think is a reasonable “solution” from your external perspective. Simply stay with that person, and keep watch with them through the long dark hours of the night.